Monday, December 31, 2007
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30.12.07
somehow i still havent truly comprehended the situation. that you're not longer with us. somehow i still feel as though when i wake up tmr and go over to your place, you'll still be there. im happy that you've finally gotten rid of this body that was not deserving of you. this body that brought you so much pain and sorrow. but yet a part of me remains selfish and unwilling to let you go, simply because i cant imagine life without you just yet. not yet. watching you for the last time today just hit me like a brick. that i will never get to touch your hand again, never get to call you again, never get to converse with you in my halting teochew or simply the fact that i have nothing to look forward to whenever i go to your place now.
im happy that you finally get to see grandpa and i hope you found your way to heaven.
everyone said that you seemed much younger in your final moments before we sealed you in the casket. i agree. there seemed to be a certain aura about you, a kind of peacefulness that i have missed, in the months when you started to get weaker and more dependent on others.
looking at the final rites being performed, i just couldnt stop sobbing. all at once, i missed the times that we used to go grocery shopping every tues. i always looked forward to that, to walking hand in hand with you, asking you what you wanted, trying to ask you stories about your life, your opinions and just enjoying listening to you and your words of wisdom. even when you got weaker, i still relished the fact that even though you were in a wheelchair, we could all still enjoy taking you out and just letting you have that weekly outing that you looked forward to. i cried for the times that we watched tv together, when i kissed you goodbye and each time you would always make a funny remark. the times when i laid on you and just wanted to be babied. the times when i was younger and you used to pick me up from school and we would always walk out to the central with lots of shops and i would always pester you to buy me things and you always did so. i remember you buying shitake mushrooms specially for me each time i wanted it. and how you would always let me do the cutting of the stems. i remember how you used to hitch a ride on my school bus on the way to the market. how as i got older you never failed to show any less concern for me, always asking after me, cooking my favourite dishes. when exams rolled around,you would always make sure i had enough tonics. that and so many more memories, you were just such an integral part of my life. you were THE grandma that i never envisioned life without. even when you got sick, i always felt optimistic that you would live for a long time, because thats just the way you were, strong, independent and courageous. and now all that's left are the old memories without any chance of new ones to be made. its been exactly a year. one yr ago we were all happily taking a family portrait. one yr ago before everything happened. how things have changed.
after bawling my eyes out time and time again today, i felt a slight sense of relief. of happiness for you. because i know you're in a much better place now. but yet i stll feel i have so much to say to you which now can only be said in my heart. but i know you can hear it still, from up where you are. i still cry for the younger ones, who will never get to know the most perfect grandma to me. they will never have a chance to experience the love that you showered on all of us lucky ones. i cry for their loss.
here's to the happier memories that you have made in my life.
rest in peace grandma.
i love you.